If today were actually a replay of tomorrow, such that when tomorrow became the next day, at that time called today, then, when it all seemed eerily familiar people would think that this new today was a replay of yesterday, which is in reality completely inverted from the truth. Not one person in 100 would ever trick to what was really going on. So watch yourself. Some days really are replays of tomorrow, and not yesterday, as is commonly assumed. To most people it doesn't matter. To some it does. And it's hard to tell who's which, especially if you're one of them. Paradoxically the more you're one of them the more it matters.

Most people cannot remember when their parents were children. That's nothing to be ashamed of. That said, I wouldn't go bragging it up, either.

A guy I know has a driveway detector alarm, and here's the problem with that: He HAS a driveway. And so the dang thing's going off all the time. He always has to go and reset it, and a few minutes later, it's going off again because it's detected the driveway again. You'd think, you'd really think, there were some way to register an existing driveway with the detector so that it never went off unless another driveway tried to sneak up on him... but no... you'd be wrong. I have no idea why he doesn't just leave it off; I have no idea what causes a fear of strange driveway incursions, and honestly I'm a little uneasy about trying to probe into the childhood of a person who thinks like that. And here's the real laugh—he probably isn't even scared a little tiny bit of sidewalks. But then, not everybody knows about sidewalks.

"Virgil Kane is my name and I blew out my flip flop, stepped on a pop top..." Man oh man, really really don't sing that around some people. And it's hard to tell you who those people would be. It's even harder to tell you the people you should sing that around. I can just say right here, there aren't many. Here's some advice, try "nobody" and see how that works out for ya. Unless you've already been doing that.

If anyone ever gives you a pet donkey for your birthday, name it "Kong"...that would be SO COOL.

Speaking of livestock, if a zombie bites a horse* or a cow, wait a little bit (heh) and then let that horse or cow bite you. You'll be set up! Unless you get surrounded you're a shoo-in to survive the plague, with all the privileges and free loot that always accrues to such survivors. Here's the reasoning... the root word of vaccination" is the Latin for "cow"... and the way they make snake antivenin is to let a snake bite a horse. True story, on both. Look it up if you don't trust me, and it's not that I'd blame you if you did (look), or didn't (trust), after all we've been through. However I doubt this trick would work with rabbits. It's not that they "couldn't" produce the cure in their blood, it's more a case of them simply not making it past the initial step, is all. Ewww. (*At least partial cred for this idea goes to Dr. L. Oxyer, Ph.Z)

And speaking of zombies, as indeed we were... the idea of a Zombie Petting Zoo has in fact been tried, and it was not a commercial success, and failing the USDA health inspection (twice) played only a very small part in the grisly denouement. I don't think this made the news.

Try not to walk down a public street yelling, "...I AM ANATHEMA TO NYARLATHOTEP...!!" ever. Unless you want people to offer you sinus meds. Best thing I can say about that is, your parents were right about accepting pills from strangers. Doubly so on syringes.

If a pirate's ghost ever appears and offers to guide you to where his treasure is buried, ask him for his driver's licence. If he has one he's a fake; walk away. This is SO obvious but it works every time so far. There's a flat learning curve on ghosts in general... and ghosts pretending to be pirates so's they can get some mortal meat to do them some free landscaping, even flatter... so, exactly how they came up with that trick at all in the first place is still a mystery.

—Ron Copis