Never hire a glass of water. They're always calling in "drunk".

I don't see myself as "divorced". It's more like being retired from harness and put out to stud.

Why would you want to fix a balanced meal? "If it ain't broke..."

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and they laugh even harder. Bazterdz...

If there is a punctuation mark called a slash, why isn't there one called a stab? Or maybe there is and it's not called that. Which still doesn't change the question.

"Organic Popcorn." Cripes!! Ten bucks to the first guy who shows me what INorganic popcorn is.

If you got attacked by a giraffe, would you ever tell anybody?
(An overly quick answer either way probably means you should re-think it.)

When you're really tired of hearing someone babble senselessly all the time, interrupt them and ask their opinion on whether you should give up drinking blood. That just plain flat out works, every time.

"Telephone". Hmmm. What *would* you tell a phone-- "quit ringing"...?

Speaking of, in the elevator just now someone's cell phone rang. They pulled it out and started talking. Something was odd so I looked at the phone-- and it looked back!! Creepy! This cell phone is STARING at me...
"What the hell IS that thing?"
"Hmmm? Oh. It's just my eyePhone."
Well, it made sense then. Sort of.

Note to Self: Never get into a staring contest with an eyePhone unless it's low on charge.

If a zombie and a half can eat a brain and a half in a day and a half, how long does it take one zombie to eat one brain?

I should never read "People" magazine.
No-- let's take it further. I should never even look at the cover.
(Do you really want to know?)
(Okay... look at one someday and try to invent a new TV Reality Show that's guaranteed to offend well over ten million people. For me that's like losing at birling.)

If you're being "diagnostic", does that mean you're not sure whether you'll die?

Speaking of which, variations on "Life is hard and then you die" are so inane. What if you didn't die. Not only would Life be harder (or female-doggier), but a lot more crowded too.

From the famous fabulous Everybody Knows Dept.:
"The pen is mightier than the sword."
Right.
Now, what's the full quote...?
"Beneath the rule of men entirely great, The pen is mightier than the sword."
Suddenly it means something quite else, do you notice.
Almost the opposite...

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave..."
...when we're BORN...(!) and it just keeps getting weirder from there.

I'd like a refund on yesterday. I shelled out a good honest 24 hours and look what I got in return.

A conspiracy to have an automotive accident would be a collision collusion.

Exercise your Right to VOOT in 2010.
(Voot = VOTE to BOOT them all out)
OK that's a little extreme. And unfair. Let's institute a point system. Any Congressman accruing over 100 "points" gets voted out, allocated thusly as examples:
--Over $10 million in public funds per year on personal luxuries... 5 pts
--Caught in extramarital affair... 5 pts
--Committing vehicular homicide while intoxicated... 5 pts
--Eating a live puppy in front of children... 5 pts
--Voting in favour of the Waxman-Markey "Cap-and-Trade" bill last week... 9000 pts
Hmmm. Yes...
...yes, something like that would work fine. Can we all agree? Good. Now it's just a matter of detail.

I sure hope I'm not being too subtle again...